I wish I knew how to break free of the shyness that always seems to hold me back. What dreams I have, I dream of pouring myself out, you could almost say, giving myself over to, the arts, of becoming someone who transforms the world around me. It is not enough for me to be simply an author, no, I must be a transformer, one whose words hold power, and truth. I cannot be content with self-expression as the purpose of my art, or with art as a means of gaining wealth, I seek for something else, something more. I can only describe it as the desire to create things that move those who see them, transformation of myself and the beholder of the works of my hands. I desire to create, but it is not enough for me to create, not even for the sake of creativity. To lose myself in my work, you could almost say, to pour my very soul into it, so that the works of my hands and the thoughts of my heart are so intertwined that it becomes difficult to tell where one begins and one ends. That is as best as I can describe it. Another way to think of it, is to become a vessel of blessing to those around me.
But, I hold back. I call it shyness. I say I’m not ready, however, it isn’t so much shyness as it is fear, I think. And the fear is what needs to be dealt with, it is an evil that destroys, a dark-fire that consumes. It holds me back from being what it is that I am supposed to be. Fear, it is the great enemy of greatness, and the father of many, if not all vices. Fear, it destroys, it ruins, it kills.
I do not think it is the sort of thing I can wholly banish on my own, but what can change me from a man of fear, to a man who is not afraid? It is said that perfect love cast out fear. For which I ask, what does that mean? Perfect love. Love that is perfect. How can this be? How can love be perfect? For my part, it is my belief that only one who is love, can hold perfect love. Anything else can only reflect the nature of that which is. Love, it is more then just a word, a concept, what if it was to be something, a reality that we see the shadows of, but the shadow and the thing itself cannot be confused as being one and the same, an object cannot love, so thus it would be someone that is the greater reality of love. Perfect love, love. Love is the opposite of fear, and from love comes courage, and from courage all other virtues are sprung. Fear destroys, but love builds. For my part, I must therefore rely not on shadows, but upon the reality of love, and by becoming a reflection of the greater reality, I not only dispel fear in myself, but give strength to those around me who see in me, a mirror. It is not for me to be the source of love, but the vessel, and from the vessel, I pour out love, but it is love that comes from the source, not from the vessel that holds it. Thus, it is by receiving the love of perfect love, that I can love with a perfect love.
And fear flees, and I see my desire to be a vessel of blessing to those around me.
That is my dream, to be a mirror and a vessel, no more, no less. To be invisible, yet a beacon of hope. To become unseen, but therefore, more visible, like a light shining from within a clear jewel. I wish neither to be a god, or a devil, but a human as a human is meant to be. A living symbol of something greater.
That is my dream, to be human as a human is meant to be, but fear holds me back, it quenches, it darkens, it destroys. That is what fear does to dreams, and to my dream.