I’m alive, I’m awake, horrible piano, but I’m awake.
I should do something about that piano I suppose.
It is funny how sometimes a little change is all we need, for example, changing a lightbulb. It may not seem like much, but the ever so slight alterations of color, tone, and brightness, change the mood of the room entirely. It’s an observation that makes me wonder if I ought to look into finding one of those color changing LED lightbulbs. I like LED lights, generally speaking. There is even one that can be controlled with my iPhone. I won’t deny it, the geek side of me is very attracted to such a prospect. I suppose I still think of telephones as something for talking, which I tend to avoid, so the idea of using a telephone to control an lightbulb is interesting, and much more useful to me, than you know… talking.
The odd thing is, as a child I was a non-stop chatterbox… What changed? I do not really know. One theory of mine is it was simply the process of growing up, and one of the things I left behind was my ability to just talk about what was on my mind.
It’s a new year, and as such I’ve found it a good time to reflect on new ideas, new things. A few words have been floating around my head as such. Among them has been joy, and affection. I’m constantly seeking ways to re-examine things, and I wonder why I am not feeling particularly happy. I do not think it has everything to do with my old lightbulb. Right before starting this post I switched an older lightbulb for a newer one, out of curiosity as to whether it was the lightbulb that was giving me a slight headache, I’m pleased to say that the replacement lightbulb is proving to be much better for that. I’ve long known that color and light change my mood dramatically, and I think that is why I find summer so very depressing, the light is different, in the winter the sunlight is not quite so harsh, and is actually pleasing to me. Another thing I find affects my mood is coffee, drinking it makes me feel worse, but I keep drinking it… Why? I really must ask what is it that I keep drinking coffee, it’s like I can’t not drink it, even though I often feel very muddleheaded afterwards. Why is that? I really, honestly, do not know. I tried drinking tea, but it just isn’t the same. I know what I think the problem is, it’s not so much about the coffee, it’s about the feeling of lack of control over it. I feel like I must have my coffee, and can’t stop even if I wished it, and that lack of control, and I am not suggesting this is a good thing, but that lack of control is what makes me sad. I can be somewhat of a control freak, especially over myself, and whenever something, no matter how small a thing it is, be it a coffee bean or a world dictator, if it tries to control me, I resent it. I tried writing a similar post on Valentines Day last year about this, but I decided not to post it, it was turning too dark and depressing, and I think it will remain unposted.
Upon reflection however, there is truth in the notion of me, vs. the coffee bean.
It’s why I dislike the horrible piano, even if I am awake. I really should do something about that horrible piano I suppose. One can go through life living with the horrible piano, cringing with every out of tune note, or one could tell that piano to get tuned, and then it will not be quite so horrible a piano anymore, and with the right pianist, it may even sound beautiful.
In the end, I would not be happy for the simple reason of not being the pianist. This isn’t good, it’s alight for other people to be the center of attention, and to be more gifted than myself.
This is a side of me I find disagreeable, yet whether out of fear or desire I can never seem to be wholly rid of it.
The point of it is, I like being in control, the truth is, however, that this is not a good thing to like, and I know that. While we all have our inner Voldemorts, this is one of mine, just because everyone has one with which they contend, it doesn’t make it any less of a battle, or less in need of fighting. Yes, I am human, one might even say, only human. But, to be human is so much more than to let the inner Voldermort be victorious. The Doctor even referred to such a notion in the Christmas episode for 2013, as ‘Dalek within’. Whether it is Voldemort or a Dalek, we have things in us that are dark. For me it’s a need to control all. In the very darkest part of me, I think it is a need to control all, as in all things, through all of space, and time. The darkest part of me wishes to be supreme over all creation. This is not good, and would not be good for me or for creation. Not every desire is worth pursuing.
Neither is all desire wrong, or evil. In fact, desire, in and of itself is a good thing.
So, is the fact that I enjoy coffee an evil thing? I do not think so, but I am keenly aware that I cannot seem to stop drinking it either. This does bother me, undoubtably, but should it stop me from drinking coffee? I don’t know. Perhaps I should, perhaps not. Coffee is a good thing, it is useful, it is delicious, it really is quite delightful.
Delightful, an interesting concept, I suppose. You know, people ask that you pursue your dreams, but I do not have a dream, not at the time. I don’t know why I ceased to dream, nor why I cannot remember, no matter how hard I try, what my dreams I once held were. I think I once dreamed of things, and one day I wake up, I am doing the things I once dreamed of, and I’ve forgotten it was a dream. Dreams never seem to be as glorious in reality as the dream made them out to be. Perhaps I’m afraid to dream, knowing that dreams rarely seem to be what they are expected to be, but honestly, perhaps it would be better to agree with that assessment and say to ourselves that reality can exceed our expectations as readily as it can disappoint us, and is more likely to do so if we are not so insistent upon it bending itself to fit our expectation of it. So many times what we are given is much better than what we desired, but we only have eyes to see the small thing desired, and are thus not content in the greater dream.