Day 1. you. (Post-A-Day)

day 1. youYou, in this case, I believe, refers to me. A fine topic, to be sure, and for many people, myself included, a rather familiar topic, and one we do enjoy talking about. The question, I suppose, is what does one say on a post about oneself? The problem is we are as inclined to understand ourselves as not. On one hand we do tend to be very good about understanding ourselves, what we like and dislike, and so forth. On the other hand, we tend to not understand ourselves either by accident or design, at all. By accident or design? Yes, sometimes we are blind because we simply do not understand what it is that is within us or that we desire, etc. Other times, we are willingly blind to it, we are vaguely aware of an aspect about ourselves but for whatever reason are unwilling to acknowledge its presence. No doubt, we are complicated creatures, and quite capable of believing our own cover stories. Something we tend to do quite a bit. As for myself, the intended audience and subject of this post. (That’s a bit odd isn’t it?) I believe that there is still much about myself that I do not understand, and I know I have a secretive nature, it is my natural tendency to seek to hide behind some mask or other, even from myself, and as such of all the people I distrust, I distrust myself the most, I know myself enough to know what I am capable of telling myself, and all thoughts must be examined to determine what is the intent behind it. I imagine this is how it is for most people, though I’m not entirely certain that it is always a noticed part of oneself.

Nevertheless, I do enjoy talking about myself. I tend to refer to myself as you sometimes, unfortunately. I remember as a child, seeing my shadow, and sometimes shadows have more than one copy, there are two or three of them if the lighting is right. One time I had three, and I remember thinking that each one was representative of a different part of myself, as though I had more than one of myself inside me, but they could only be seen as a shadow. That was my childhood explanation of the shadow of myself. He would follow me everywhere too. Sometimes, I wonder if I had a more accurate view of myself as a child than I do now. Not that I believe my shadow is another being that is also myself anymore, but that there is more aspects to the human than what is seen at a glance. I can’t remember what they all are, but I remember coming up with at least seven distinct aspects of the human person once: I think it was something like Mind, Body, Soul, Spirit, Heart, Flesh, and Emotion-Intelligence. Perhaps the reason I have never been troubled about the notion of a triune God is that the idea of many in one was such a natural concept to me as a child.

But, those were all I suppose, theories formed to make sense of a world. Imagination of a child trying to understand the world. Yet, I miss it, the world seemed to make more sense through the lens of imagination and ideas that didn’t make immediate sense than it does to me now. Now, I feel like I struggle to understand the small things rather than attempting to make sense of everything and coming up with unusual solutions to everyday problems. Sometimes, I suppose, it is necessary for us to grow up, but what does that mean? Sometimes I feel like it means I have to become more ignorant. Honestly, it’s hard to grow up and hang on to wonder, but I think it can be done. It’s a fight, true, but it can be done. I think it’s the fight to hang on to wonder that has altered my viewpoint on somethings. For example, I did not believe in Santa Claus as a child, curiously, I am much more inclined to believe in Santa Claus now than I was as a child. Do I really believe that Santa lives at the north pole, and flies with his reindeer everywhere? No, not really, yet at the same time, sort of, yes.

Anyways, back to the subject of the post: Me. Last I checked, I’m not Santa Claus. (At least insofar as I’m aware of.) I really, over the past year, have realized that I am a human being. You might be saying ‘well duh!’ but honestly, it’s a hard view to come to. What do I mean. A lot of times forces both internal and external fight against our identity as such. Internally we tend to either desire ourselves to be a god, or we demean ourselves as some kind of monster, externally, we tend to be torn down by many things, society, other people, and so forth. Dehumanizing of people takes many, many, forms. We may be externally exalted more than is proper as well, but more often we are dehumanized. Our actual identity as a human being can sometimes get lost in the noise of the constant screaming that we are not either one way or the other. I have been becoming more comfortable with the idea of simply being human, and it is something that when acknowledged brings contentment.